30-21 - Phineas and Ferb Song Ranking

Introduction
300-251
250-201
200-151
150-101
100-76
75-51
Intermission
50-31

I was planning on posting 30-11 in one block, but I got carried away and wrote a lot of words.

Continuation of Tier 4: Songs Which Are Spectacular

30. Happy Evil Love Song (from Chez Platypus)

I welcome you to the antepenultimate post in the Phineas and Ferb Song Ranking, which opens with “Happy Evil Love Song,” the saddest happy song ever written. We can start at the very end, or rather, We can start after the end, when Doofenshmirtz’s Evil Unnamed Love Interest (DEULI) falls out of love with him through the power of science, leaving him sad and alone. How tragic! But more important than Heinz’s feelings: how should I account for this in my ranking? Should I ignore the sad ending, which, to be fair, is not technically part of the song? No. Especially once one has already seen Chez Platypus, the knowledge that this evil romance will not last is a cloud which hovers over the entirety of “Happy Evil Love Song.”

We are evidently in the key of C major, and we are greeted with an ukulele, two factors which are underrated for their perceived simplicity. “Love was once a crazy dream,” sings Doofenshmirtz, walking down a tetrachord. “Now it’s my new evil scheme,” he carries on, ending this time on the third scale degree. If the instrumentation hadn’t made it clear enough already, this is very dissimilar to practically every other Doofenshmirtz number. It is not big, it is not brassy, it is not snazzy, and it is not showy. It is sweet and simple and lovely. It paints its quiet, understated instrumentation with the most elementary of melodies and straightforward of harmonies. This is not Heinz-like in the slightest. He is acting unlike himself! And he explains why! “I have never been so happy!”

In only very rare instances is love natural and easy, so I hear, and Heinz and DEULI seemed to have been among the lucky few. It should follow then that their duet is equally natural and easy, rarely departing from the scale, and from harmonizing in thirds and sixths. But of course, the relationship, which is canonically genuine, will all come crashing down in a matter of moments. Does this diminish its quality? Nay. As the saying goes, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Tier 3: Songs Which Make for Themselves a Home Inside the Human Soul

29. Perry the Platypus Theme (from many episodes)

I will begin by talking about the song I ranked #126 on this list: “Today Is Gonna Be a Great Day.” I wondered if it had only soured on me because I’ve heard it so many times. “Perry the Platypus Theme” is proof that that is not the case. Some variation of this song plays in nearly every single episode of the show, and I have never even begun to grow tired of it. The lore sayeth that Dan and Swampy wrote the song in five minutes at a gas station. How could this piece of information have any impact on a listener besides that of making them enjoy the song even more?

This is a superhero song. It hits every checkpoint. Descriptors, swooning women, a signature move (the chatter,) and a big bold reveal of the name: “He’s Perry!” Dissonant intervals, big-band-style brass, smooth backing vocals, even some James Bond-style flutes! Even some timpani! Perhaps we hear this song too often to truly appreciate its instrumental complexity. I would be fascinated to know how many musicians played on this track; I imagine the number is beat by very few Phineas and Ferb songs.

“Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo-bah” is a riff which surpasses the beloved one found in (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction. “He’s a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action” is an opening line which surpasses “Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love.” It is not an accident that I feel inclined to compare “Perry the Platypus Theme” to some of the most famous songs in classic rock history. It is unquestionably a modern classic, a part of the collective psyche of a certain layer of youth.

***

28. Queen of Mars (from Unfair Science Fair Redux (Another Story))

Whereas “Let’s Take a Rocketship to Space” musically captures the vastness of space, “Queen of Mars” musically captures its oddities. And it does so explicitly! It answers the age-old question: if Martians were instruments, what kinds of sounds would they make? It fills out the standard band: drums, bass, guitar, and keyboard, with their Martian equivalents. Bouncier on every front, reverberating off the vast sky. And it ties all these eccentricities together into a double-shuffle pop song which is perfectly suited to the styles and strengths of their new leader: Candace. Our chord progression is repetitive: I - IV - II - V, our melody’s contour is stable and catchy, like one you’d hear on the radio, and yet, it is all surrounded and balanced out by Martian colourations, tritones and noises you’ve never heard before. What a joyous soup!

***

27. Blueprints (from Phineas and Ferb Interrupted)

Add “Blueprints” to the pile of late risers; I seem to have uncovered something new to appreciate almost every time I’ve listened to it. The first fourteen seconds are nothing to go crazy for, but this is one of those songs which, like You Are the Music in Me, repeatedly improves upon itself, and discovers its own richness, its own depths, and its own potentialities as it progresses.

The meat of the song begins at 0:14, with Dr. Doofenshmirtz marching across his lair, and with the accompanying instrumentation actually sounding like a marching band. Snare drums, flute, all that stuff. Even though this particular style only lasts for seven seconds or so, it does not feel like a stylistic outlier at all! The switch into the ‘build an android porcupine’ section hardly feels like a switch. The same musical phrase and idea is continued, but with a more standard band arrangement. Candace and the backyard kids join in and reflect the full phrase again, but the chord progression is totally fresh. Just listen to the musical content from when Doofenshmirtz sings “glorious blueprints” and compare it to that from when Candace sings the same line moments later. It’s starkly different! This is how a song so short keeps a listener hooked in!

But the crown jewel of “Blueprints” is its final thirty seconds. “Ferb Latin” should be taking rigorous notes on how to properly overlap different lyrics. Appropriately, the new line: “one prints, two prints, nothing we can’t do prints” takes over the foreground, but interlocking quietly behind it is the phrase we’ve already heard: “blueprints, glorious blueprints.” Their rhythms are so strikingly divergent that the two lines never come close to stepping on each other’s toes. They are singing together! They are holding hands! One is more simple and new, the other is more complex and familiar. This is why they sound so lovely inside of my ear holes.

Now, we push for the grand finale! “There’s nothing we can’t do, as long as they’re blue,” and so on. We encounter incessant sharps, and mind-zapped Phineas and Ferb look as hilariously helpless as ever. Every feature of the music indicates a final, desperate push towards: “We’ve got a lot of work to do, with these prints that are blue,” as Baljeet lands in the splits, capping off a beautiful anthem to Planning Stuff.

***

26. Fletcher Family Flying Circus (from Father’s Day)

The recipe for success seems to be to have Richard O’Brien sing. His songs are ranked at #35 and #26, a remarkably high average. And it is the presence of Reginald, voiced by Malcolm McDowell, which puts this one over the top, and helps it to soar, pun intended, above so much of the field.

This song’s fandom page describes it as ‘1920s jazz,’ and to this I must say, ‘if you say so.’ I’m not sure what other descriptor I might have chosen instead. Circus music? Maybe. It does remind me of Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite! with its listing of a series of remarkable circus tricks.

It took until deep into season four for Phineas and Ferb to churn out an episode about Father’s Day, (a holiday which should be called Fathers’ Day, but that’s a different story.) In some ways, I’m glad they took so long. Lawrence often got the short end of the stick narratively, and it’s quite nice for him to be featured as a dad and as a son in this episode, only once we already know him extremely well. And his voice blends with his dad’s in a way that is thankfully messy. Would you have wanted Lawrence and Reginald to sing with crisp harmonies? Don’t kid yourself! They’re not singers! They’re daring pilots! They harmonize during the chorus, and make a valiant attempt at several other points, but often, one of them, or both, decides to abandon melody altogether and talk-sing, a strategy which makes their words even more believable. “Doing the Charleston on the wing, yes, we’ll try almost anything!” Lawrence’s speaking voice enters its high register, Reginald’s its lower. I can describe it best as a non-musical harmony. It makes the two men sound more trustworthy. Yes! Yes you will try almost anything! I believe you!

With a moment like ‘I just roll with it, like you do,’ we get to take a glimpse into the loving relationship between father and son, while being as confused about the inside joke as Phineas and Ferb themselves are. It makes it all the more bittersweet when they sing: ‘I wish that we could do this every year.’ The first time I heard the song, I was expecting them to say ‘day,’ but it’s made clear to us, amidst a most cheerful melody, that Lawrence and Reginald don’t get the chance to fly their circus plane together even once every year. With this knowledge, it’s not hard to see why their respective vocal deliveries are so childishly carefree, and accompanied by such a foolish grin.

***

25. Thank You Santa (from Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation)

I know I said “Danville for Niceness” is the most underrated song from Christmas Vacation, but I lied. It’s actually “Thank You Santa.” I spent a big chunk of time thinking about Santa Claus while writing Sophie & Santa, thinking about how Santa Claus is the face of generosity, which is being weaponized in the interest of exploitation by real, living forces. But this does not mean that Santa Claus himself (itself?) cannot be weaponized in turn by the interests of solidarity and sacrifice, which are real, living forces just as well. I doubt strongly that the CSWPF took any of this into account when writing “Thank You Santa,” but nevertheless, when we hear the line: “a song for all the things you do, Santa Claus, we’re thanking you,” it is no mystery who is being thanked: collective generosity, collective sacrifice, collective giving, not merely the generosity of one man, who only materially exists in the realm of fiction.

The countermelody which is played by some kind of bell-like instrument starting at 0:32 is so classically Christmas, in its insistence on highlighting the first and fifth scale degrees, but on striking the seventh on every downbeat. It creates a very firm sense of home and belonging, while still digging into elements of bittersweetness and nostalgia.

“Thank You Santa” is like a jacked up version of “Floor After Floor.” But whereas the first part of “Floor After Floor” carefully stacks different vocal lines on top of each other, and the second part contains only one crisp theme, “Thank You Santa” inverts this formula. Its beginning is open and simple, ending with a rich diminished-seventh chord, which leads into the establishment of the backbeat at the aforementioned 0:32 timestamp. And in the final section, comprising almost the entire latter half of the song, only then do various parts interlock. “A song for all the things you do…” and “Reindeer flying…” and even “Joy to the world…” The ending of the Beach Boys’ God Only Knows is, to my knowledge, the best example of overlapping vocal lines ever put to tape, and the ending of “Thank You Santa” is the closest that the CSWPF ever got to capturing this magic. Each phrase starts in the small gaps which the others leave open, and begs you to follow it and listen to it. But it is not possible to listen to everything at once. There are too many voices! Too much thanks to give to Santa! Too much love, generosity, and sacrifice to go around!

***

24. My Goody Two-Shoes Brother (from Tree to Get Ready)

This is the one! The greatest Doofenshmirtz show tune that there is! And off the top of my head, I think it’s the first one too. All the fun classic sugary flourishes, the old-timey brass, the Doofenshmirtz accent, the Doofenshmirtz costume, the visual aids and props, the dancing pigeons, and more, are icing on a core song which is phenomenal in its own right. 

What I perceive as the verse, in which Doofenshmirtz lists off all kinds of people he doesn’t like, with a little bit of violent imagery here and there, includes a melodic contour which constantly pushes upward, peaking at the 5th scale degree, then the 6th, then the 7th, then the 8th (1st.) then the 9th (2nd,) before breaking even higher to the 10th (3rd,) in what could be seen as the chorus. “There are lots of horrid people on this planet” begins on the relative minor chord, A-minor, and re-establishes itself as a momentary tonal center with its own dominant, E-major, and resolving to A-minor again. But cleverly, we only stay there for a moment, sliding to D-major and then to G-major, setting up the II-V-I that is triumphantly realized on the start of: “But my goody two-shoes brother, the favourite of my mother, is the one I want to smother in a ton of pigeon goo.”

We are met with a kickline, a bold exclamation of “thank you sir, I’ll have another,” and a last note which is certainly held. I can reiterate the strength of the core song, and explain how much I would love to hear a demo of it; I can imagine how full it would be, with just a voice, and a piano or a guitar. But I must also acknowledge the fact that no song better encapsulates the entire character of Dr. Doofenshmirtz. We get a glimpse into his tragic backstory, his petty disdain for all sorts of people, his tactics for seeking revenge, and his musical tastes. This deserves to be heralded as his theme song.

***

23. Curtain Call / Time Spent Together (from Last Day of Summer)

When a song is the finale of the finale, it can be tempting to heap praise on it for that reason alone, without actually evaluating whether it deserves praise as a standalone piece of art. Thankfully, giving in to that temptation is not necessarily a mistake. This is the great thing about evaluating the musical catalogue of a TV show. Each song’s purpose is not only to be a good song, but to serve a specific purpose in the story. In discussing “Curtain Call / Time Spent Together,” I ought to analyze not only its merits as a song, but its success in fulfilling its purpose of being the very end of the show (or so it was thought.)

If I had to pick which of the two sections I prefer, it wouldn’t be a contest. “Time Spent Together” gets the easy nod. Its guitars and voices are mixed to perfection, and offer a friendly welcome to the drums, bass, and funky slide guitar, when it makes an appearance. To visually accompany the music are two corresponding scenes of friendly conversations, jokes, and laughs. How often have we seen mere casual wholesomeness on our screens? And how about the melodic line: ‘It’s just about the time spent together,’ which makes a point to emphasize the word ‘time.’ It is not exactly about the fact of having spent some time together, but the time itself which was spent together. This makes sense! In fact, Last Day of Summer is all about time repeating, running out of time, having to get back in time. The logo is literally a clock!

The fourth wall comes crashing down in the rock ‘n’ roll concert section. I wasn’t always such a fan of the way many of these lyrics are constructed. ‘We did this, we did that, we built that, we saw this,’ but I realize now that Phineas and company are simply doing what they said they would do, taking inventory. There’s a jumbotron behind the band depicting some of these memorable moments, walking everyone through some fan service. But one point of the sequence which is most oddly emotional is at 2:40, when we are still in the heavy thick of the song, and the credits begin to flash. First: ‘Story By / Dani Vetere / Scott Peterson / Jim Bernstein / Martin Olson.’ Then: ‘Written and Storyboard By / Aliki Theofilopoulos / Bernie Pettersson / Calvin Suggs.’ And so on. When do we ever see the credits overlaid in such a way, at the very end of an episode? Never. It is an undeniable visual cue that the ending really is near. That this really is the curtain call. And it becomes so clear at 3:16, with the shot of the six kids and Candace, from overhead, alongside the line: “we thank you for coming along.” Everyone bops up and down, Ferb and Candace walk back and forth with their guitars.

Then Linda offers pie. The fanfare disappears. “Time Spent Together” reprises in its briefest form. Candace shoots back one last friendly glare, Perry, so thankfully, trots into the house, safe and sound, and Phineas waves goodbye, as the strings prolong the final note for as long as possible, maximizing their time. They will carry on spending time together in the house, but unfortunately, our time watching them is over. (Or so it was thought.)

***

22. Tatooine (from Phineas and Ferb Star Wars)

I don’t care about Star Wars. This song could have been about Toronto, Tokyo, Turin, Taipei, Toledo, Tempe, or Terrebonne instead of Tatooine and it would have been just as good, just as believable, no matter which place was having adoration expressed unto it. For this review, I am going to break my habit of trying to talk about as much of the song as reasonably possible and instead focus on one particular moment. 1:36. “I may be wearing my heart on my sleeve.” This is the single instant which elevates “Tatooine” from great to making for itself a home inside the human soul. And it is all because of some music theory.

Time for a music theory lesson!

In a major key, like for example, C, which “Tatooine” is in, the typical chords you can expect to hear are those whose notes contain the notes of the C major scale. That includes C-major, D-minor, E-minor, F-major, G-major, A-minor, and B-diminished. That said, it is quite possible, and not uncommon at all, to include chords besides this, like for example, E-major, which in this key would be the III. (it is ‘three’ since E is the third scale degree, and it is in all caps since it is major. ‘iii’ would represent E-minor.) E-major includes the note ‘G-sharp,’ which is not found in the C major scale.

Much like G-major is the dominant of C-major, it being the fifth scale degree, E-major is the dominant of A-minor, it being the fifth scale degree of A-minor. Since A-minor is one of the common chords in the key of C-major, E-major could be called a secondary dominant in this key. This is why, when we hear an E-major chord in the key of C, it is very often followed by an A-minor chord, because this is a very natural resolution.

The second-most common resolution of an E-major chord in the key of C is to an F-major chord. There is only one note of difference between this chord and an A-minor chord. (An A-minor chord is ‘A, C, E’ and an F-major chord is ‘F, A, C.’) Thus, this progression still sounds very natural, but leaves the listener with the sense that the phrase is unfinished, and more hopeful.

Of course, music theory is not a list of instructions; you can play whatever chord you want to play after your E-major chord. The CSWPF weaponized this freedom to make a very odd decision at the end of the first verse. “Sitting on a rock eating blue ice cream,” sings Phineas, atop an E-major chord. But the chord does not resolve to A-minor nor to F-major. Instead, as the backing vocals echo: “Blue ice cream,” the progression slides to a G-major. The ‘G-sharp’ in the E-major chord naturally tends towards the note ‘A-natural,’ which is found in the A-minor chord and the F-major chord, but not in the G-major chord. This motion from E-major to G-major at the end of the first chorus provides the feeling that the natural tendency of the music is being pulled back, contained, for some reason. More accurately, the full force of the tendency is being saved for later.

Follow me to the second chorus, where we revisit this line: “Sitting on a rock eating blue ice cream,” sung on an E-major chord again. And follow me to one of my favourite guidelines of music: the principles of repetition and variation, or of expectation and surprise. Repetition must be in balance with variation. Expectation must be in balance with surprise. Too much repetition and expectation? That’s called boredom. Too much variation and surprise? Confusion and disorientation. And in my opinion, the best way to strike the best of both worlds is to create situations in which something that is typically expected in a song is unexpected in a particular context, BUT, to still make it happen anyway!

This is the purpose of the odd resolution to G-major in the first chorus. It establishes the expectation for the listener that an E-major chord, in this song, is likely to resolve to a G-major, especially if it is present alongside the line about blue ice cream. But this expectation of strangeness is in fact subverted! At one particular moment. 1:36. “I may be wearing my heart on my sleeve.” The E-major resolves to the F-major. A typical, natural resolution. One that leaves the listener with the sense that the phrase is unfinished, and hopeful. And one which still catches them by surprise. It is in magical musical moments like these in which I am reminded that the CSWPF are not messing around. They know how to set up and subvert musical expectations. They know what they’re doing. They know how to write songs which make for themselves a home inside the human soul.

***

21. Won't Keep Us Apart (from Sipping with the Enemy)

“Won’t Keep Us Apart” is doubtlessly a top contender for the most underrated Phineas and Ferb song. This might not have been true if there had been an album release. How could anyone expect a song to be appropriately rated when the only version which exists of it is filled up with sounds of coffee, doors opening, doors closing, and of course, ‘banter?’

In a similar vein to “Gotta Make Summer Last” and “If Summer Only Lasted One Day” and “Sunshine and Bubble Gum,” I have helplessly yearned for a definitive, complete version of “Won’t Keep Us Apart.” For a version without all these distracting noises! Of course, I had no choice but to give up my search. And once again, I learned to be satisfied with the version of the song which does exist. Think of “Drusselstein Driving Test Waltz.” It’s all about a disastrous driving test, and the sounds which fill in the context improve the song monumentally. “Won’t Keep Us Apart” is a song about a first date. Why should the sounds which fill the context of the first date be stripped away?

Aaron Jacob sings this one, and I think it’s his best vocal performance in the entire show’s discography. I point to the line ‘There’s no telling why or who your heart embraces,’ in which it sounds like he’s meticulously performing some kind of multi-level puppeteering, first on the details of his own voice, and second, on the underlying chords, which somehow give the impression of being stringed along some kind of journey by Jacob’s voice itself. Then, at 0:17, we hear that synth lead (which I alluded to in entry #34.) It sounds exactly like something I could make in GarageBand. 10/10

The chorus is the highlight. “Won’t Keep Us Apart” includes, in small doses, the quirky staples of Phineas and Ferb music, but in heavier doses, the sense of being a real love song. ‘The sun and the stars and the moon and the planets won’t keep us apart.’ Lyrics so grand are especially effective when juxtaposed with a happy-go-lucky strumming pattern, and a somewhat normal first date which simply seems to be going well. ‘A device designed specifically to keep us apart won’t keep us apart.’ This is more in line with the type of thing we’re used to hearing in Phineas and Ferb, but the fundamental feeling is unchanged. The Everly Brothers probably could’ve sung something like this, something about ‘my sweet sweet teenage love’ or whatever, about going on one date, having a fun time, and then proclaiming, with chipper guitars in the background, that we’ll be together forever. This is one of the rawest feelings that there is, and as such, “Won’t Keep Us Apart” is one of the most quietly emotionally-charged songs in the whole of the Phineas and Ferb catalogue.

To be continued.