300-251 - Phineas and Ferb Song Ranking

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Tier 11: Songs Which Repulse Me Deeply

300. Back in Gimmelshtump

This concoction of noises is a monumental stain on humanity. For Dr. Doofenshmirtz, known for his show-stopping theatre-style numbers, Rollercoaster: The Musical was a golden opportunity to top them all. Instead, he disgusts the viewers with two contrasting sections, not even incoherent enough to be amusing, and lyrics which, when seen in isolation, could cause a regular bear to begin an early hibernation.

**

299. What Is This Thing?

A pit of dread appears in the vicinity of my stomach when I listen to this so-called song. Its melody gives the impression of having been written entirely separately from its lyrics. If the intention was to make the listener feel like Candace feels: disjointed, confused, and upset, then consider this song a success.

**

298. Tri-State Area Unification Day

Every detail of this abhorrent Love Handel showcase, including the primarily 2-note melody, and the graceless yelping of “right over there!” is embarrassingly unrefined and clunky. Even if it were intentional, which I cannot say for certain whether it was, the chuckles it would inspire the entire global population combined would barely make a dent in counteracting the annoyance it has already caused me personally.

**

297. Whatcha Doin'?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz is not the only character who was utterly shafted in Rollercoaster: The Musical. Just like “Back in Gimmelshtump,” Isabella’s feature is nowhere close to musically interesting enough to justify the fact that its story-related content is mind-numbingly redundant. This is a microcosm of my main gripe with Rollercoaster: The Musical as a whole: none of the songs progress the story forward in the slightest. Rather, they capture particular instances, instances like Isabella saying “whatcha doin’?” which are typical of an episode of this show to begin with, and prolong them unnecessarily over an indefinite period of time.

**

296. Lady Song

The otherwise interesting and pleasant Eliza Fletcher is sadly saddled by a song which - and forgive me for comparing a second consecutive song to the unbearable “Back in Gimmelshtump” - suffers from the same mistaken premise as “Back in Gimmelshtump,” that which presupposes that heavy metal, or some other variant of *hard rock and roll,* is funny in and of itself. Not only does this lousy joke, upon which the entirety of “Lady Song” rests, fall completely flat, but the lyrical content of the song experiences no alteration whatsoever when the musical content does! How jarring and careless!

**

295. Giant Puppet

A song which, at the start, appears to be headed towards being entirely forgettable, pivots towards the intolerable when it begins to (attempt to) poke fun at the nearly mythical subset of people who invent metaphorical meanings to superimpose onto pieces of art, or in this case, puppets. It was decently funny in She’s the Mayor and “There’s a Platypus Controlling Me,” but when we stepped into the field of puppetry, someone’s obsession with a dying breed of overthinkers became irrelevant.

**

294. Lots of Me

If this made the final cut of Night of the Living Pharmacists, perhaps we should all be grateful it wasn’t a movie after all.

**

293. We Are the Moms

There’s an off-putting flavour of classical misogyny which lingers in the depiction of women abandoning their occupations to care for a baby, but at least we are met with graceful and inventive turns of phrase like “we are the moms, we’ll put you into your pajamas, we are the moms, and we can do without the drama.”

**

292. Funhouse

Maybe I just have an aversion to rhyming “mama” with “drama” and/or “pajama” and/or “llama,” in nothing but the name of “lol so random,” but if I didn’t, I’m confident I would maintain my aversion to rhyming “gravy” with “Davy” and “navy” and “wavy” in nothing but the name of “lol so random.”

Tier 10: Songs Which Are Inferior to Silence

291. Pic-a-nic Bust

We have moved on from the songs which cause my heart to shrink, and onto the songs that I would simply rather never listen to. I would be tempted to skip a song in this tier if I found myself watching an episode wherein it was. Here we have one of several uninspired situationally specific Candace-busting songs. For that reason alone, there is no need to give it the time of day, but Disney Plus’s automatic captions during the chorus, there for the purpose of making it clear that Ashley Tisdale and the other singers are not slurring, make this song memorable in an uncomfortable way.

**

290. X-Ray Eyes

The only thing which could salvage this tediously predictable 79 seconds of music would be an animatic of Vinnie Dakota singing it.

**

    289. You're Not Ferb

I have very little sense of whether or not this song is actually liked by the average fan, but tonal ambiguity over an extended period of time does not appeal to me, as a rule of thumb. There’s already too much uncertainty in the world.

**

288. Yippi-Ki-Yi-Yay

This song would be a little better if it didn’t appear to believe in itself so earnestly.

**

287. Just Passing Through

You may have begun to notice - and are about to notice further - that vaguely-rock songs which are hyper-specifically related to a particular A-plot are not exactly my Cup of Jam. This one gets a small boost by virtue of being 12-bar blues, because 12-bar blues could never really be that bad, but it gets knocked down a peg in turn by virtue of abandoning the form in favour of a bridge for an unacceptable amount of time!

**

286. Troy

Oh hi Dakota nice to see you again.

**

285. Perrytronic

You wouldn’t be able to tell by this relatively low ranking, but this song has actually grown on me a little bit over the past little while. The off-the-wall inclusions of a kitten and of a little block of wood actually work for me as jokes in the context of an almost-commercial-style song, but perhaps the almost-commercial-style is what makes these 40 seconds feel so long, seeing of course as commercials are rarely longer than 30 seconds.

**

284. A Platypus Fight

I have been trying for nearly 10 minutes, and I cannot come up with anything remotely interesting to say about this song. I hope this does not damper your impression of me.

**

283. Straight-Up Bust

The worst thing about this song is not to do with the music itself, (although it isn’t exceptional by any measure,) but more so its context. Candace believes her mom has busted Phineas and Ferb, but we, the audience, know that that isn’t the case. What could have and should have been an opportunity to comedically highlight Candace’s moment of euphoria with a heartfelt orchestra or an emotional melody or a mass choir or something of the like, all with the backdrop of the audience knowing it will soon come crashing down, was wasted on a mediocre, musically directionless snippet which does not at all capture what even a casual fan of the show knows Candace would be feeling in this situation. In this way, this song is a disservice to its episode; the episode would have been better off without it.

**

282. All-Terrain Vehicle

See #287, first sentence.

**

281. Not Knowing Where You're Going

Even putting aside the unnecessary and distasteful line about “eskimos,” lyrical abstractions like “there’s no surprise in life when you know where you’re going,” reek of writer’s block coinciding with an urgent deadline.

**

280. Flying Fishmonger

Perhaps a part of what makes this song so disappointing is the build-up. After listening to its (hilarious) dreary, rain-causing counterpart intermittently throughout the episode, we are met with the knowledge that Phineas is gonna “pep it up a bit.” He told no lies. ‘A bit’ was indeed the amount by which he pepped it up. The melody remains largely lifeless.

**

279. Rock Climbing Wall

I can see Montreal too, you’re not that special.

**

278. Interface

Sure, the parts of this song which don’t include Norm rapping are insufferable, and would, on their own, likely have placed in the bottom tier. But there are also parts of the song where Norm does indeed rap, so that tips the scales quite a bit.

**

277. Extremely Extreme

Ginger being good at baseball is the most noteworthy thing to come out of this sequence.

**

276. Feelin' Super

It is a testament to the catchy arrangement and Ian Osbourne’s amusing singing that a song which ends with the line: “it’s apropos of nothing, but my favourite fish is a grouper,” is not dead last on the list.

**

275. Whalemingo

This one is a lot more fun to think about than to actually listen to. It’s never encouraging when the joke immediately following the song is better than the song itself.

**

274. Irving's Campfire Song

If the goal was to write a song which is roughly equivalent in quality to the character singing it, then mission accomplished.

**

273. Subterranean Crocodile Apprehension Expedition

Yay another song that sounds exactly like this.

**

272. Bigfoot

No Grandpa, not one more time.

**

271. Bust Your Brothers

At least it’s short.

**

270. My Chariot

Every time I watch this sequence, I become far more interested in the visuals than the audio, and frequently, by about two thirds of the way through, I forget there’s a song going on at all.

**

269. Cheesetopia

The only relevant difference between “My Chariot” and this song is the distorted vocals, which make this one stand out in a very mild way.

**

268. It's Elementary

The inclusion of the organ gives this song a unique flair that many installments beneath it on the list do not have, as does the odd drum fill at 0:38, but these are merely a couple of sweet bites in an otherwise bland dessert.

**

Tier 9: Songs Which Are Roughly Equivalent to Silence

267. Highly Unconventional Vehicle

We begin tier 9 with a song that is barely, marginally, by the skin of its teeth, approximately as enjoyable to listen to as nothing at all. If you wanted to put it on the aux, I would question your taste, but I would not protest profusely. If you wanted to turn it off and sit in silence instead, I would not fight against that either. That is the nature of the songs in this tier. This song is elevated above other similar rock songs in great part thanks to Vincent Martella’s particularly excellent vocal, including a fun little glissando right before the chorus.

**

266. There Is No Candy in Me

I am not sorry to those who are upset by this ranking. If anything, I am being generous. Many jokes and memes built upon this ditty are far greater than the ditty itself. Does this mean it deserves a higher ranking? Should Lawrence and Linda get the credit for building a rollercoaster in the backyard? That’s what I thought.

**

265. Epic Monster Battle

With this song, we encounter something remarkably rare: an otherwise poor number is salvaged by jokes. These are not just any jokes, these are jokes which briefly and cleverly encapsulate the most important reason why I cannot bear to watch any superhero movie or similar piece of media. Hats off!

**

264. Run Candace Run

I can see why some may have ranked this one significantly lower, but I have a soft spot for songs whose instrumental tracks could have possibly been made on GarageBand in the span of an hour.

**

263. Our Movie's Better Than Yours

It’s valuable in the context of the remarkable Nerds of a Feather, but it cannot fly on its own. And even with the story around it propping it up, it could stand to end at the 0:47 mark.

**

262. Mission

As a child, this song and this scene were incredibly funny to me, especially the “log in” and “log out” bit which directly follows and precedes it. I suspect that I’m still hanging onto those old feelings with this arguably charitable ranking, and that if I underwent this project again in ten years, this song would be much closer to the bottom. But it’s not ten years from now yet.

**

261. Livin' with Monkeys

This song is the perfect encapsulation of a fear that I speculate the writers grappled with throughout most of season 4: whether or not they should turn Candace Flynn into a real character. By the time Last Day of Summer rolled around, they finally learned how to do it in an authentic way, without breaking the tone of the show, and of course, they took it a step further in Candace Against the Universe five years later. But “Livin’ with Monkeys” hints at Candace being deeply unsatisfied, only to roll off of it and land on an absurd, insincere punchline. Most of the song is musically pleasant, but then monkey voices sing backup vocals.

**

260. Extraordinary

This song is the perfect encapsulation of a fear that I speculate the writers grappled with throughout most of season 4: whether or not they should turn Candace Flynn into a real character. By the time Last Day of Summer rolled around, they finally learned how to do it in an authentic way, without breaking the tone of the show, and of course, they took it a step further in Candace Against the Universe five years later. But “Extraordinary” hints at Candace being deeply unsatisfied, only to roll off of it and land on a series of absurd, insincere punchlines. The first section is musically excellent, but the blatant pitch-correcting that happens on and after the word “orange” is perplexing.

**

259. This Is Our Battle Song

There was a lot of anticipation, rightfully so, in the days and weeks and months leading up to the release of Candace Against the Universe in August 2020, so it should be seen as a great indictment on this song in particular that when it was leaked, it didn’t stir up even an extra ounce of excitement. I find it difficult to believe that it wasn’t heard by a lot of fans before the movie; I find it easy to believe that no one seemed to care.

**

258. Big Brain

I would have preferred it if Baljeet sang this number himself instead of Vinnie Dakota, but nevertheless, the groovy backup vocals and Baljeet’s dancing help to set this one slightly above the pack of comparable songs behind it.

**

257. Aren't You a Little Young?

The Rollercoaster: The Musical slander continues with this entry. We already knew that Phineas is a little young. We do not need a song to emphasize the point.

**

256. Me, Myself & I

In terms of story content, this one feels like another missed opportunity to create a real classic. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that the harmonic and melodic material was being forced onto a sound and style which do not suit it whatsoever. Once again, if the aim of this piece was to portray the disconnect between Candace’s two personalities through a disconnect between those two musical facets, then the aim was fulfilled.

**

255. Backyard Hodge Podge

Schaffrillas really nailed it when he said this feels like a Disney Junior song. It’s partly to do with the song itself, partly to do with Parry Gripp’s singing, partly to do with the characters’ backup vocals, partly to do with their dance moves, basically there are a lot of factors. The only thing that puts the “preschool” classification into question is the line: “a motor ass spatula, a rubber ass tarantula” at 0:28. I’m pretty sure that that’s what the line is.

**

254. You're Going Down

It pains me slightly to rank this one so low, because I love greaser shoo-bee-doo-wop, or whatever it’s called, and this one has a very promising beginning. Where it falls short, (apart from the same places where every other song in Rollercoaster: The Musical falls short,) is in a number of places. There are simple lyrical blunders, such as the employment of: “I could say more but I don’t want to boast / get used to butter ‘cuz you both are toast,” rather than the (slightly) superior: “Get used to butter ‘cuz you both are toast / I could say more but I don’t want to boast.” (Still, the line about boasting would make little sense.) There’s the repetition of the joke about “conditions.” But worst of all, there’s the ending. Candace sings every note of “you’re going down” on the tonic, while the chord played is a tonic with an extension of a major 7th, creating what is, in my opinion, a very nasty dissonance.

**

253. My Red Rubber Boots

Doofenshmirtz should not have been in Wizard of Odd. The most obvious reason for this is that it is extremely unlikely that Candace would have dreamt about him. The other reason is that the story could have been just as solid without him, or with another, more Candace-related character in his place. A house crashing on him before he can finish his song about his new footwear is possibly an unintentional manifestation of this.

**

252. Bits of All of Us

I used to have a massive disdain for the entire O.W.C.A. Files special, but an appreciation for this song despite that. Somehow, I’ve done a complete 180. I quite like O.W.C.A. Files, but this song just doesn’t do it for me. Doofenshmirtz’s unfortunate complete loss of an accent is never more apparent than here, and the decent music is neutralized by the fact that the spelling joke runs on. The entire time.

**

251. Giant 3-D Scrapbook

I will close out the first part of this countdown with my hottest and most controversial Phineas and Ferb take of them all. Love Handel never should have made an appearance after Dude, We’re Getting the Band Back Together, (or should have only appeared to perform “Couldn’t Kick My Way Right Into Her Heart.”) In their original appearance, they worked perfectly as a vehicle for Phineas, Ferb, and Candace to work together to do something nice for their parents. They do not work as a recurring bit, and this song shows us why. There are relatively few strong moments in the show about Candace and Jeremy, and this one could have been a sweet one to add to the list, but the musical colouring, and Jaret Reddick’s unserious vocal delivery take it in the opposite direction. Not only that, but Love Handel itself, based on how much weight it carried in its feature episode, deserves better than to be treated as a group of silly geese for the main characters to summon at will every once in a while. And the “Regular Sized” counterpart song might as well just be dissolved into this entry.

To be continued.